Codependency

Codependency is a type of relationship addiction where someone unconsciously becomes an enabler or rescuer in relationships, often rooted in addiction.

It can develop from growing up in a dysfunctional environment or having an ill or emotionally unavailable parent, leading to attempts to meet emotional needs through unhealthy relational patterns.

Therapy can help break the cycle of codependency.

Clients who self‑refer for codependency counselling in Tunbridge Wells or London often relate to many of the following statements:

My mood is determined by the mood of others.
I like things to be perfect and feel bad about myself when they’re not.
I have difficulty saying “NO!”.
What others think of me feels extremely important.
I worry about being judged.
I neglect my own needs to accommodate others.
I do not know what I need.
I do not know how I feel.
I am unclear about my own interests.
I become immersed in the interests of others.
I tend to please people, often to my own detriment.
I am drawn to people who need me.
I feel rejected if my help is not wanted.
I feel responsible for the feelings of others.
I blame others for the way I feel.
I hold resentments and struggle to let things go.
I avoid conflict.
Sometimes I use alcohol or substances to change the way I feel.
Sometimes I feel the need to control those around me.
I feel I always need to be in a relationship and struggle to end them.
I struggle to receive compliments.
I enable other people’s addiction.

Book a therapy session for personal growth and healing with a counsellor experienced in codependency.

Lack of boundaries and codependency

Lack of boundaries is closely intertwined with codependency. Codependent individuals often struggle to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, leading to difficulties in relationships.

They may prioritise others’ needs over their own, struggle to say no, and fear asserting themselves. This reinforces codependent behaviours and prevents the development of a strong sense of self.

For some, this manifests as offering help even when it is not needed or wanted. The desire to rescue or fix others can lead to overstepping boundaries and intruding on others’ autonomy.

This deepens the cycle of codependency, leaving individuals enmeshed in unhealthy relationships while neglecting their own needs.

One‑sided relationships and friendships

One‑sided relationships are common in codependency. These relationships are characterised by an imbalance of give and take.

Codependent individuals often give excessively, sacrificing their own needs and well‑being for others. They may enable toxic behaviours, make excuses, or ignore their own boundaries.

This dynamic reinforces codependent patterns, leaving the individual emotionally drained and unfulfilled. Without healthy boundaries and mutual respect, these relationships can persist and perpetuate the cycle of codependency.

Codependency and self‑esteem

Codependency and self‑esteem are deeply connected. Codependent individuals often experience low self‑esteem as a result of their relational patterns.

They may rely on external validation to feel valued, seeking approval through caretaking or pleasing others. This leaves them vulnerable to feeling unworthy or dependent on others’ opinions.

Breaking free from codependency involves building self‑esteem, recognising inherent worth, and cultivating a sense of self that is independent of external validation.

Enabling behaviours in codependency

Enabling behaviours unintentionally support another person’s addiction or unhealthy patterns. Examples include:

• Providing financial support for substances
• Making excuses or covering up behaviour
• Denying the problem
• Allowing substance use in a “safe” environment
• Rescuing someone from consequences
• Minimising the impact of addiction

Psychotherapy and counselling for codependency

Psychotherapy and counselling are powerful sources of support when facing and overcoming codependency.

Therapy helps explore the emotional issues underlying codependent behaviour. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Logotherapy can support you in reclaiming your sense of self and developing healthier relational patterns.

Attending CoDA meetings is recommended and provides additional support and connection with peers in recovery.

How codependency develops

Codependency often develops through a combination of factors, most commonly dysfunctional family dynamics, traumatic experiences, or growing up with a caregiver who was emotionally immature, addicted, narcissistic, or struggling with mental health issues.

Common issues in codependency

- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Fear of rejection
- Low self-esteem and self-worth
- People-pleasing behaviour
- Overreliance on others for validation
- Difficulty expressing needs and desires
- Neglecting personal needs
- Enabling unhealthy behaviour
- Difficulty saying “no”
- Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
- Difficulty being assertive
- Feeling overwhelmed when not caretaking
- Difficulty identifying emotions
- Needing constant reassurance
- Fear of conflict
- Perfectionism
- Strong need for control
- Tendency to rescue or fix others
- Feeling guilty when focusing on oneself
- Neglecting personal interests
- Attracting dysfunctional relationships
- Taking on too many responsibilities
- Difficulty trusting oneself and others
- Struggling with decision-making
- Seeking external validation
- Feeling drained and emotionally exhausted
- Difficulty accepting help
- Constantly seeking approval
- Feeling responsible for others’ happiness
- Anxiety when not caretaking
- Sensitivity to criticism
- Feeling empty or lacking identity
- Difficulty expressing anger
- Fear of being alone or abandoned
- Ignoring personal boundaries
- Attracting emotionally unavailable individuals
- Feeling a need to control others
- Difficulty recognising personal needs
- Struggling with resentment
- Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships